Happy Valentine's Day!

All our young lives we search for someone to love. 

Someone who makes us complete. 

We choose partners and change partners. 

We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... 

all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, 

there's someone perfect... 

who might be searching for us. 

-- The Wonder Years

I hope you all have a very Happy Valentine's Day that is filled with love from everyone you know. If you haven't heard it from anyone else yet today, I love you. You are God's masterpiece and He loves you unconditionally and just the way you are, so in the purest way possible, I love you. And whatever phase you are at in your life, just remember you are never alone in that. Even if you don't see it, you are being watched over, cared for, and loved by the One who created you. He doesn't need this one day out of the year to show you His love... He has loved you since the beginning - before all the world was created - and He will love you for eternity. Take heart in knowing that no one will ever be able to love you as much as our Lord. So on this day, and everyday, give your thanks, praise, and love to the only One who makes life worth living.

---

I have always loved looking up and reading quotes. Here are a few to go along with the day of love:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... 
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 
-- Lao Tzu

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. 
-- C.S. Lewis

The first symptom of love in a young man is shyness; the first symptom in a woman, it's boldness. 
--Victor Hugo

Love is an irresistible disire to be irresistibly desired. 
--Robert Frost

To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love. 
--Jane Austen

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. 
-- Albert Einstein

To love is to receive a glimpse of Heaven.

Love is a consistent passion to give, not a meek persistent hope to receive. The only demand of life is the privilege to love all. 
-- Swami Chinmayananda


A letter written by Beethoven:


Though still in bed,
my thoughts go out to you,
my Immortal Beloved,
now and then joyfully, then sadly,
waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us.

I can live only wholly with you or not at all. 
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you
until I can fly to your arms and say
that I am really at home with you,
and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.

Yes, unhappily it must be so -
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you.
No one else can ever possess my heart -
never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

And yet my life in V is now a wretched life. 
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -
At my age I need a steady, quiet life -
can that be so in our connection?

My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day
therefore I must close at once
so that you may receive the letter at once.

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence
can we achieve our purpose to live together.
Be calm, love me - today - yesterday -
what tearful longings for you -
you - you - my life - my all - farewell.

Oh continue to love me.
Never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours.




Movies seen in theaters: 6
DvDs bought: 31

A Convenient Friend.

For the most part, all of us feel that we are inadequate in certain areas of our life. Whether it be our looks, personalities, relationships, or whatever... we have our insecurities. This doesn't make you weird or crazy, it is part of our nature as humans to feel this way. Though none of us can obtain it, many people strive for perfection. And what is this "perfection" we are trying so hard to grasp? ...Being loved by everyone? Having no faults in the eyes of the world? Showing others that we are independent and can make it on our own? That is not God's will for our lives.

My insecurities have stemmed mostly from my relationships with family and friends. I mean, I know I am a good friend (most of the time, anyway) to others, I just always thought of myself more as a convenient friend than anything else. You know, the friend that is conveniently around to hang out with when all of your other friends are out of town or have other plans. Or the friend that can't say no. The one whose reliance you can count on without actually having to form a real friendship with.

This may be a ridiculous concept, and I know it probably isn't the WHOLE truth, but hey, I couldn't help how I felt. I have always loathed the feeling of being a burden on someone, especially someone I love, which probably had a lot to do with my reasoning. I felt that this person is only hanging out with me to be nice and that they would much rather be somewhere else, therefore, I am a burden.

Also, I really would do anything in this world for one of my friends, and I don't expect anything in return for my actions, but Satan likes to put nasty thoughts in our heads. I would feel that my friendships would be one sided, as in I would put forth so much effort and they wouldn't.  

For this reason, I had never been one to open up about my feelings or thoughts. I thought it was a better thing for me to keep it all to myself because who really cared to hear it? It wasn't vital information... it wasn't interesting... it was just easier to push it to the side and pretend it wasn't there.

I had been wrong. Oh so totally wrong.

People - namely, my friends - do care to know. I have been working on this issue for quite a while and I have finally reached the point where I can trust that fact. They want to love me the way a friend should and they want be there for me when I need it. But friends of this world can only go so far.

I am terrified to be let down by any one of my best friends; the possible consequences scare me. It has happened before and the result was awful; we lost contact for longer than I could bare. It made me cower back into my safe, little corner for a while. And although we have since made up, I still cringe at the thought of it; but, I can look back at that time as a lesson. People will fail you, it's inevitable. Humans can not do right by everyone all of the time, only God can and will.

But that also doesn't mean you can't trust others. Our reliance needs to be always on our Father, but He sends us friends and family so that we may encourage one another and grow in our relationship with Him. Friends are there to push us to be better when we can and to hold us accountable at the right times. They are there so that we may hear God, whether through words or actions, when we try to run from Him. They are there to love us as much as they can, yet not as much as the Lord can.

I mean, if a friend can love us the way they do, just think of the love God has for us; His love is unconditional. Let that word sink in: unconditional; that means no matter what: whether we love Him or not, choose to follow Him or not, if we sin, if we do His work, if we have never even heard of Him... He loves us all the same. It's greater than we can even comprehend. 

In a way, relying on your friends has a whole lot to do with relying on God. Being so closed off like I have been before means I shut everyone out, including Him. I have come to realize this but I still struggle with it.


Many times, my thoughts are interrupted by the Lord asking me why I try to do anything alone. He gets on to me like a Father should. And of course, I get a little embarrassed and tell Him that I won't let it happen again, but you know me.. I am forgetful. Lucky for me, He lets me know when I have forgotten in little ways. I started this post as "lesson learned" about one of my biggest insecurities and it has developed into something much more... a post about needing Him, about Him wanting us to need Him more than anyone else. But, that's God for you; working in ways you don't plan and taking you to a different level where you, yourself, relearn the way He works. This was His way of reminding me what I need to hear. 


Oh, how I love Him. :)




Movies seen in theaters: 3
DvDs bought: 5




Stay lovely.

Table for One, Please.

Being single sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other.

Not that I don't talk about relationships with my friends because I do, but I don't think I have hardly ever talked with them about my actual singleness. So, this is kind of weird for me to just put out there on my blog, but I thought maybe someone else needs to hear what I have realized.

It's not that I wouldn't trust my friends with this conversation, it's just that most of them are at a different point in their life and therefore can not relate. God bless them for trying to relate and wanting me to seek that kind of happiness, but it is hard for them to understand exactly what I am going through. Most of them are in relationships that are just starting to get serious, are at the point of talking about marriage, or are already married. And I am not trying to belittle their relationships, I think it is wonderful that they are all so happy. God has really blessed them at this time in their lives and I am so incredibly happy for them.

For me, though, I am still in the growing and learning phase of my life. I have had a total of three very short term relationships. And when I say short term, I mean short term (one lasted 1 month; two lasted 3 months each). I am no guru when it comes to dating or relationships. However, I can give insight to the single life - more specifically, my single life - and how to find joy in it.

The hardest part about being single is the alone feeling that I get sometimes. It's not a constant thing, but when I am out with my coupled friends, I get that alone in the crowd feeling. I am the type of person that is content with having alone time, but when it happens a lot in a certain amount of time, it gets to be too much. That is when I have to surround myself with friends and it is all okay again. My friends really are my saving grace. They keep me in check with most areas of my life and I am very grateful for that.

The waiting is also hard. I like to think that I can be patient, but on December 26, it will have been four years since I ended my last relationship. That is a lot of waiting. But the waiting doesn't just consist of me sitting down and watching the world pass by me in a blur. I have had many opportunities for so many things that I probably wouldn't have gone through with if I was in a serious relationship. I don't think I would have been as adventurous at trying new things because I wouldn't have had as much time. Through these opportunities, I have learned so much about who I am and have gotten so comfortable in my own skin. I have thoroughly enjoyed exploring new areas of my life and finding my passions. I am, of course, still learning and growing, but I feel like I know what I want and what I won't settle for.

I have never been one to date just to be dating someone. I feel that letting someone get close enough to you that they know almost everything about you is an intimate and sacred thing. I can guard my heart with the best of them. Being alone for so long has made me a strong person when it comes to protecting myself. I believe this will pay off in the end because when the time does come for me to settle down with someone, they will get to experience a part of me that no one else has before.

Also, I am terrified of the commitment. In a world full of divorce being so easy to turn to and heartbreak being inevitable, commiting fully to someone is a scary thing. I have seen what divorce does first hand and it is not something I ever want to do, so you better believe that I will be very picky and cautious about who I let in. I have also seen heartbreak that has emotionally and physically brought down someone that I love. Trust me, without the Lord and the new friend He brought into her life at that time, she would not have gotten through it. Heartbreak like that can leave scars if it is not properly tended to and healed. That new friend not only became her shoulder to cry on and a source from which she heard God speak, but they are now dating. So I know that it's not the end of the world when heartbreak happens, but still... it is a scary possibility that I would rather not happen if I can help it.

I am not at all against getting to know someone and then deciding if there is potential there, but I am not seeking it. It will happen when it happens.  

For now, I am content with being single even though it does get hard. God is still working on me as a person and I want to be the best person I can for who He has for me. And in the tough times in which I feel the lonliness, I know He is right there with me wanting me to lean on Him, wanting me to tell Him exactly what I am feeling, and wanting me to let Him fill the emptiness that is there; He is always in pursuit of me, even when it feels like no one else is. In return, I know whoever it is that God has for me is being worked on as well. I have been praying for him for years and years and I know God is preparing him for me, which is no easy task. I can be quite complicated... it's something I am working on. ;)

In another aspect, God does place a calling for certain people to be single throughout their life. It's not in a way to make that person feel alone, but it is to be their ministry. He knows they can handle being single and that they can use it to win others for His Kingdom. But, if that desire for a spouse is in your heart, you are most likely not supposed to be single forever. The desire is there for a reason.

If you can take nothing else from this, please remember this: God has a purpose and plan for your singleness. It may seem like you will never find that one person who will complete you and that is because you are not supposed to; God is the only one who can complete the person that you are. Just seek after His heart fully and without ceasing because He is waiting to bless you with the most amazing person you never knew could exist. In the heart of God is where you will find "the one" waiting.

De Colores.

This past weekend was the Walk to Emmaus Crossroads Flight #12 and it was so amazing! It truly was a mountain top experience that the butterflies and workers are not ever going to forget. God's presence was so strong and moving. 

This walk marked the first anniversary of my Crossroads Flight. It was so good to be back on the mountain for the entire weekend as opposed to only serving during mealtimes. Being able to work on it was such a blessing. I watched our new Emmaus family members grow, learn, and get fed the Truth; it took me back to my walk and everything I felt as I went through the weekend. It is one of the most amazing experiences anyone could ever do in their life.

This community of believers is my family. We support, uplift, and pray for one another. The amount of love and grace that is shown by my brothers and sisters is, honestly, unbelievable. The Word of Christ is poured out from each member. I am so blessed to be a part of this growing community. Every time I encounter my brothers and sisters, I am reminded of God's love for me. 

If you ever get the chance to go on any Emmaus Walk (Chrysalis, Crossroads, or Emmaus), you should definitely say yes! It is a once in a lifetime opportunity that should not be passed up.