I've opened up the doors.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in anyway.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors.

-The Beatles

Warning: this will probably be a depressing/moody post because it's that time of the month where I feel crappy and worthless if you catch my drift. Continue if you think you can handle it. If not, then click here for merriment. Whatev.


I would try to discuss this with some of my close friends in person, but I find it easier to organize my thoughts through typing. So, lets just make it a group discussion, shall we?


I have hardly written anything since I wrote about my singleness. I think this is because ever since I outwardly expressed how much it sucks to be alone (even when surrounded by people), I have felt the hard hitting blow of the reality of it. Before I discussed those same topics out loud to a friend, I think I pushed all of the reality of it back into the farthest and darkest corner of my mind that I could find. And that worked for me. I never gave myself the chance to really deal with it. But, since that conversation that sparked that certain post, reality has hit me from every angle. I am having to deal with the suppression of that feeling. I don't think I have ever felt more alone as I have in these past couple of weeks.


As far as I can recall, nothing has really changed from before I verbally talked about it. I am just becoming more aware of it. It is really taking a toll on me mentally. 


A week ago from last night, I actually had a panic attack. Here is exactly what happened: It was Sunday, so I went to church and lunch with my friend and his family. After lunch, I came home to sleep off a terrible migraine I had. I ended up sleeping for about three hours. When I woke up, I decided to go see the new Narnia movie. I went alone because two of my friends had already seen it and the other two had to wait on someone else to see it, as they promised. So, I was fine with going alone. I have done it plenty of times. Anyway, when the movie was over, I came home to find my roommate wrapping presents. I wasn't in much of a mood to discuss anything, plus I still had a migraine, so I told her I was going to bed. As I layed in bed, I realized I wasn't really that tired, so I turned on my computer and watched videos on YouTube. After a little while, I decided I could try to fall asleep again. I layed down and turned the lights off, planning to drift on into a dreamless sleep so I could just rest. My body had other plans. I was seriously almost asleep when my heart started pounding and my eyes started shedding tears out of nowhere. It wasn't too long until I wasn't able to breathe very well. I was only able to take in about five of the tiniest breaths before exhaling what little was ready to come out of my lungs. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down but it was no help. After about forty-five minutes, I finally texted a friend for help. (I wasn't too fond of the idea at first because I thought I could handle it and I didn't really want to burden anyone with this..) He tried to calm me down for a while but it was to no avail. After about thirty minutes, I could feel his words and suggestions starting to help a little, but not much. I eventually got myself to calm down and go to sleep by listening to the song that forever has my heart and a new, just as amazing favorite of mine. It was a bad night.


When we were texting, my friend was asking me what was going on so he could help me through it, but I was a little too embarrassed to confess what I was feeling. It seemed silly and I didn't want to seem like I was overreacting. Looking back, I should have just said something, it probably would have helped to talk about it.


Anyway, it was the feeling of being alone that attacked me. I am not always alone, I mean I do hang out with my friends when they can, but most days, I go to work and I come home and find a one person project to do or I go out and find something slightly more interesting than sitting home alone. I enjoy some alone time, but this is starting to get old. It has me thinking of drastic changes; like moving. Now, if you know me personally, you know I will talk to death about moving. There are plenty of times where I have talked the talk but nothing has come of it. (The only time it actually happened was when I graduated high school. I moved here, to TN.) But nonetheless, I seriously consider it and even try to convince myself to follow through. Don't get me wrong, that is not the only solution I have thought of/tried to do to deal with it. I have been relentlessly talking with God about it (well, I have done most of the talking, which I know needs to change) and I have talked with a few close friends about it, but still... nothing. And even when I do get an opportunity to be around a friend, sometimes I just want to pass it up and be alone because I already feel that way... it does nothing to help the situation.


I guess the reason for this depressing and seemingly "pity me" spurt of a blog is to ask you all, how do I go about coping/dealing with all of this emotional baggage? It is getting to be too much and it's eating up my thoughts. So, help me...please?