Table for One, Please.

Being single sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other.

Not that I don't talk about relationships with my friends because I do, but I don't think I have hardly ever talked with them about my actual singleness. So, this is kind of weird for me to just put out there on my blog, but I thought maybe someone else needs to hear what I have realized.

It's not that I wouldn't trust my friends with this conversation, it's just that most of them are at a different point in their life and therefore can not relate. God bless them for trying to relate and wanting me to seek that kind of happiness, but it is hard for them to understand exactly what I am going through. Most of them are in relationships that are just starting to get serious, are at the point of talking about marriage, or are already married. And I am not trying to belittle their relationships, I think it is wonderful that they are all so happy. God has really blessed them at this time in their lives and I am so incredibly happy for them.

For me, though, I am still in the growing and learning phase of my life. I have had a total of three very short term relationships. And when I say short term, I mean short term (one lasted 1 month; two lasted 3 months each). I am no guru when it comes to dating or relationships. However, I can give insight to the single life - more specifically, my single life - and how to find joy in it.

The hardest part about being single is the alone feeling that I get sometimes. It's not a constant thing, but when I am out with my coupled friends, I get that alone in the crowd feeling. I am the type of person that is content with having alone time, but when it happens a lot in a certain amount of time, it gets to be too much. That is when I have to surround myself with friends and it is all okay again. My friends really are my saving grace. They keep me in check with most areas of my life and I am very grateful for that.

The waiting is also hard. I like to think that I can be patient, but on December 26, it will have been four years since I ended my last relationship. That is a lot of waiting. But the waiting doesn't just consist of me sitting down and watching the world pass by me in a blur. I have had many opportunities for so many things that I probably wouldn't have gone through with if I was in a serious relationship. I don't think I would have been as adventurous at trying new things because I wouldn't have had as much time. Through these opportunities, I have learned so much about who I am and have gotten so comfortable in my own skin. I have thoroughly enjoyed exploring new areas of my life and finding my passions. I am, of course, still learning and growing, but I feel like I know what I want and what I won't settle for.

I have never been one to date just to be dating someone. I feel that letting someone get close enough to you that they know almost everything about you is an intimate and sacred thing. I can guard my heart with the best of them. Being alone for so long has made me a strong person when it comes to protecting myself. I believe this will pay off in the end because when the time does come for me to settle down with someone, they will get to experience a part of me that no one else has before.

Also, I am terrified of the commitment. In a world full of divorce being so easy to turn to and heartbreak being inevitable, commiting fully to someone is a scary thing. I have seen what divorce does first hand and it is not something I ever want to do, so you better believe that I will be very picky and cautious about who I let in. I have also seen heartbreak that has emotionally and physically brought down someone that I love. Trust me, without the Lord and the new friend He brought into her life at that time, she would not have gotten through it. Heartbreak like that can leave scars if it is not properly tended to and healed. That new friend not only became her shoulder to cry on and a source from which she heard God speak, but they are now dating. So I know that it's not the end of the world when heartbreak happens, but still... it is a scary possibility that I would rather not happen if I can help it.

I am not at all against getting to know someone and then deciding if there is potential there, but I am not seeking it. It will happen when it happens.  

For now, I am content with being single even though it does get hard. God is still working on me as a person and I want to be the best person I can for who He has for me. And in the tough times in which I feel the lonliness, I know He is right there with me wanting me to lean on Him, wanting me to tell Him exactly what I am feeling, and wanting me to let Him fill the emptiness that is there; He is always in pursuit of me, even when it feels like no one else is. In return, I know whoever it is that God has for me is being worked on as well. I have been praying for him for years and years and I know God is preparing him for me, which is no easy task. I can be quite complicated... it's something I am working on. ;)

In another aspect, God does place a calling for certain people to be single throughout their life. It's not in a way to make that person feel alone, but it is to be their ministry. He knows they can handle being single and that they can use it to win others for His Kingdom. But, if that desire for a spouse is in your heart, you are most likely not supposed to be single forever. The desire is there for a reason.

If you can take nothing else from this, please remember this: God has a purpose and plan for your singleness. It may seem like you will never find that one person who will complete you and that is because you are not supposed to; God is the only one who can complete the person that you are. Just seek after His heart fully and without ceasing because He is waiting to bless you with the most amazing person you never knew could exist. In the heart of God is where you will find "the one" waiting.