LINX

There are only a few hours left until 2011... so, if you get antsy from waiting, here are some links (websites, videos, pictures, etc.) to occupy your time. (Because I know you aren't celebrating. Come on, who does that?!) ;)


failblog

failbook

engrish

crayons 

UGLY 

questions 

word lens 

how to be alone 

tweet tweet 

post secret 

dear blank please blank 

41 accents 

2 guys 600 pillows

human pacman

parody #1 & parody #2 & parody #3 

gangsta HP 

everything 

defying physics 

treadmills 

sand 1  and  sand 2 

nope it's soap

to make you even lazier

average

mlihp

Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year!

Twenty Ten.

Well it's that time of year again. TV and radio stations are looking back on 2010 and making lists of the best and worst of pop culture and music. I love lists so naturally, I love these countdowns and what not. So, I am going to give you a few quick lists of my year:

This that have happened to me in 2010:
-Started this here blog.
-Turned 21.
-Wrote (most of) a novel.
-Wrote multiple short stories.
-Took up painting/drawing for fun.
-Gambled for the first time.
-Started various other arts and crafts projects.
-Became more aware of things about myself that I used to overlook.
-Failed at planning a short vacation.
-Took a sucessful vacation that was not planned by me.
-Read the Hunger Games series and fell in love with it.
-Checked quite a few things off of a "Summer Bucket List".
-Talked to Travis Clark on the phone.
-Finally switched to a cell phone with internet access.
-Became an owner of a MacBook Pro.
-Touched an iceburg.
-Tried to start vlogging. Only made two videos. Two awful videos.
-Hiked 10 miles.
-Changed two tires.
-Read an entire book within 24 hours.
-Worked on Emmaus.
-Won NaNoWriMo.
-Did some other awesome stuff that I can't remember right now. :)

Favorite songs that came out in 2010 in no particular order:
-Goodnight Moon by Go Radio
-Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
-The Art of Letting Go EP by AJ Cheek (amazing songs!)
-Airplanes by B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams
-Love Like Woe by The Ready Set
-Teenage Dream by Katy Perry
-Love the Way You Lie by Eminem feat. Rihanna
-Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars
-The Only Exception by Paramore
-Grenade by Bruno Mars
-My First Kiss by 3OH!3 feat. Ke$ha
-Club Can't Handle Me by Flo Rida feat. David Guetta
-Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
-Firework by Katy Perry
-Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
-Long Live by Taylor Swift
-King of Anything by Sara Bareilles
-Sam Tsui in general. I love everything he covers.
-Raise Your Glass by Pink
-Forget You by Cee-Lo
-Magic by B.o.B. feat. Rivers Cuomo
-Mine by Taylor Swift
-Dear John by Taylor Swift
-Half of My Heart by John Mayer
-Wavin' Flag by K'naan
-Glee!
I am sure there are more, but I have listed more than enough for now.

Things I would like to do in 2011:
-Finish writing my current novel or start and finish a different one.
-Vlog. At least take a legitimate stab at it.
-Read the all of the Narnia books and the rest of the HP series.
-Figure out what to do with my life.
-Read the Bible the entire way through.
-Solve a Rubik's Cube without the help of YouTube/instructions.
-Watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
-Increase my DVD collection to 560 (currently at 280) so it will be doubled.
-Find a new job.
-Complete BEDA.
-Fill every page of the journal that Padge made for me.
-Be more decisive.
-Move. To a different state entirely; or at the very least, to a new house/apt.
I suppose I will add to the list as I go.

Blogwise, I am going to start keeping a running count of a few things. That will start on January 1st. It will be interesting to see the numbers rise throughout the entire year.


December is almost over. Bring on a new year.

Happy Birthday, Ace!

On this day 23 years ago, after a much failed attempt to steal Jesus' thunder by being born on His birthday, Ashley made her way into this world. She tried her hardest to come out the day before, but missed it only by a few hours. Her reasoning: to be "an actual Christmas present because she is God's second gift to this world." (Those were her first words.) Luckily, for our sakes, God did not allow that to happen, so her day lies in the shadows of our Savior. Go God!

Now, she is forced to be overlooked this time of year because her existence is so insignificant. Therefore, if you remember later today (you can put it low on your list of priorities), give her a nod or smile and just be friendly. If you really want to make her day special, throw in a "oh, is it your birthday?" or a "you're how old?!" She will be so glad that she was even thought of.

******

Today, Ashley turns 23.

Yes, you read that correctly:

TWENTY FREAKING THREE.

The most famous and most quoted of the Psalms is number 23: "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters."

The nuclei of cells in human bodies have 23 pairs of chromosomes.

Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times.

23 is one of the most commonly cited prime numbers.

The number 23 has been the subject of two films.

23rdians are a group of people who subscribe to the mystical power of 23 and see it in multiple combinations throughout daily life.

The best basketball player that ever lived (Michael Jordan) wore number 23 throughout his entire career.

******

Did you realize Jared Leto shares your birthday?! He was born in 1971. Also sharing your birthday are Lars Ulrich from Metallica (1963), Chris Daughtry (1979), John Walsh - the host from America's Most Wanted (1945), and Mao Tse-tung - a communist in China (1893).

Today is the 360th day of 2010. In 1776 during the Revolutionary War, the British were defeated in the Battle of Trenton. In 1862, four nuns serving as volunteer nurses on board USS Red Rover are the first female nurses on a U.S. Navy hospital ship. FM radio was patented in 1933. This day, in 1941, is the day that FDR signed a bill establishing the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. In 1982, the first non-human was named Man of the Year by Time Magazine. What was it, you ask? A computer. This only begs the argument that the world will one day be taken over by robots. Today would be the start of Boxing Day, but since it's Sunday, it will be deferred until tomorrow.

Okay, enough of the history lesson... I just wanted to tell you how proud I am to call you my sister. You are an amazing Christian, sister, and friend. I don't know what I would do without you. You have always been such a great sister to me, looking out for me when I needed it. I only hope I can be half of a good sister as you. I love you so much!

AND, for your enjoyment, watch this on behalf of her birthday! :)

Happy Birthday, Ace!

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

I was going to put together a video of Cody and Dad being hilarious in the snow that arrived this morning but alas, the videos did not send correctly to my email. If I get it working, I will be sure to share it with you all.

I am so thankful that God blessed the world with His son, Jesus; and I am even more thankful that He gave His only son to be my Savior. What a gracious God we serve.

For unto you is born this day 

in the city of David a Saviour, 

which is Christ the Lord. 

Luke 2:11

Mars, Stars, Cars and.... Harry Potter.

As each day passes, I grow more and more in love with Bruno Mars and his sexy voice. (However, I prefer not to look at him. He sounds better than he looks.) Haha. He is one of the better artists on the radio right now. I don't know why radio stations feel the need to play Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna over and over again. I wish they would disappear from the entertainment world altogether... move to Montana and become school teachers or something. They're beyond aggravating. It's the reason I prefer listening to my iPod in the car.

I am discovering some great stuff on my iPod that I didn't really know existed. Don't you just love that, hearing a song that has been in your reach for months and months and one day you just happened to listen to it and it completely blows you away? It's like I was the first ever to hear it, even though I know that is False. (Yes, with a capital f.) But still, I like discovering my own music.

In other entertainment news, I saw The Town last night per Cody's suggestion, and it was thrilling! I was on edge pretty much the entire movie. Ben Affleck - what a fine specimen. I knew he was good looking and all, but his kick-butt character in this film made me rethink the category I had him under. He personifies every girl's bad boy fantasy in The Town. I now want my own sweet but tough bank robber. :P

Speaking of bad boys with brooding muscles, the 5th installment of the Fast and the Furious franchise is coming out next year. In my opinion, there are one too many of these films. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love them (with the exception of Tokyo Drift) with every movie-thriving-fiber that I have, but I don't want them to run this franchise into the ground. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I do have to say that this new one, Fast Five, looks action packed, thrilling, and downright awesome. Hopefully, though, this will be the last. I am excited to see that everyone, and I mean everyone, has returned to be in this film! Vin Diesel. Need I say more? ;) Paul Walker - the charm of a boy with the rebel without a cause attitude. Gotta love that. Tyrese Gibson - one of my favorite comic relief characters of all time. Funny, funny man. And, of course, the others have returned as well. The Rock is also in this one. I am not too sure how I feel about that. I kind of wished they would have brought in a name that is not as widely known, but whatev. It will be epic no matter what.

In unrelated news, my week definitely improved when my brotha got in town yesterday. He always knows how to brighten my day. We exchanged our Christmas presents and I would have to say that he won the "Best Present Ever Given" award. I gave him the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows XBox 360 game, which is a pretty nice gift... but he gave me a Harry Potter Film Wizardry book. It. Is. Amazing. It holds information about the entire film franchise and the wizarding world itself as seen through Jo Rowling's eyes. There is a sketch of an aerial view of Hogwarts and the surrounding areas that was drawn by Jo in one of the first meetings with the producers and directors. There are also inserts including the Marauder's Map, Yule Ball invitation, Quidditch World Cup Programme, and an acceptance letter to Hogwarts School. I am taking my time and carefully reading every single word because this world of magic really does have me under a spell. What would we be without our imagination and the ability to dream? I hold this series very close to my heart. Being able to explore the world in this way brings me joy. :)

If I don't see you all before then, I hope you all have an amazing Christmas! Don't forget the reason for the season.
Jesus is love.

I've opened up the doors.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in anyway.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors.

-The Beatles

Warning: this will probably be a depressing/moody post because it's that time of the month where I feel crappy and worthless if you catch my drift. Continue if you think you can handle it. If not, then click here for merriment. Whatev.


I would try to discuss this with some of my close friends in person, but I find it easier to organize my thoughts through typing. So, lets just make it a group discussion, shall we?


I have hardly written anything since I wrote about my singleness. I think this is because ever since I outwardly expressed how much it sucks to be alone (even when surrounded by people), I have felt the hard hitting blow of the reality of it. Before I discussed those same topics out loud to a friend, I think I pushed all of the reality of it back into the farthest and darkest corner of my mind that I could find. And that worked for me. I never gave myself the chance to really deal with it. But, since that conversation that sparked that certain post, reality has hit me from every angle. I am having to deal with the suppression of that feeling. I don't think I have ever felt more alone as I have in these past couple of weeks.


As far as I can recall, nothing has really changed from before I verbally talked about it. I am just becoming more aware of it. It is really taking a toll on me mentally. 


A week ago from last night, I actually had a panic attack. Here is exactly what happened: It was Sunday, so I went to church and lunch with my friend and his family. After lunch, I came home to sleep off a terrible migraine I had. I ended up sleeping for about three hours. When I woke up, I decided to go see the new Narnia movie. I went alone because two of my friends had already seen it and the other two had to wait on someone else to see it, as they promised. So, I was fine with going alone. I have done it plenty of times. Anyway, when the movie was over, I came home to find my roommate wrapping presents. I wasn't in much of a mood to discuss anything, plus I still had a migraine, so I told her I was going to bed. As I layed in bed, I realized I wasn't really that tired, so I turned on my computer and watched videos on YouTube. After a little while, I decided I could try to fall asleep again. I layed down and turned the lights off, planning to drift on into a dreamless sleep so I could just rest. My body had other plans. I was seriously almost asleep when my heart started pounding and my eyes started shedding tears out of nowhere. It wasn't too long until I wasn't able to breathe very well. I was only able to take in about five of the tiniest breaths before exhaling what little was ready to come out of my lungs. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down but it was no help. After about forty-five minutes, I finally texted a friend for help. (I wasn't too fond of the idea at first because I thought I could handle it and I didn't really want to burden anyone with this..) He tried to calm me down for a while but it was to no avail. After about thirty minutes, I could feel his words and suggestions starting to help a little, but not much. I eventually got myself to calm down and go to sleep by listening to the song that forever has my heart and a new, just as amazing favorite of mine. It was a bad night.


When we were texting, my friend was asking me what was going on so he could help me through it, but I was a little too embarrassed to confess what I was feeling. It seemed silly and I didn't want to seem like I was overreacting. Looking back, I should have just said something, it probably would have helped to talk about it.


Anyway, it was the feeling of being alone that attacked me. I am not always alone, I mean I do hang out with my friends when they can, but most days, I go to work and I come home and find a one person project to do or I go out and find something slightly more interesting than sitting home alone. I enjoy some alone time, but this is starting to get old. It has me thinking of drastic changes; like moving. Now, if you know me personally, you know I will talk to death about moving. There are plenty of times where I have talked the talk but nothing has come of it. (The only time it actually happened was when I graduated high school. I moved here, to TN.) But nonetheless, I seriously consider it and even try to convince myself to follow through. Don't get me wrong, that is not the only solution I have thought of/tried to do to deal with it. I have been relentlessly talking with God about it (well, I have done most of the talking, which I know needs to change) and I have talked with a few close friends about it, but still... nothing. And even when I do get an opportunity to be around a friend, sometimes I just want to pass it up and be alone because I already feel that way... it does nothing to help the situation.


I guess the reason for this depressing and seemingly "pity me" spurt of a blog is to ask you all, how do I go about coping/dealing with all of this emotional baggage? It is getting to be too much and it's eating up my thoughts. So, help me...please?

Dream a little dream of me.

Let's see, since I last posted, I have gone to Murfreesboro to visit one of my best friends, he has come home for a weekend, I have only bought two Christmas presents, and I still haven't painted the canvases I bought in mid-November.

Wow, 12 days has been reduced to one long sentence. I need to be more productive with my time. A new project, maybe? I suppose I could finish the one I haven't touched since November... but I don't know if it's worth continuing.

---

I suppose I can entertain you with this...

The dreams I have at night are so vivid. It's like I am watching a movie. Most of the time, they are all kinds of crazy. Off the wall crazy. And completely random. Want proof? Here are some of the dreams I have had in the past week or so:

1. I was on the Hogwarts Express with all of my real friends; apparently I was the Harry Potter type character in this scenario, but I was still myself. We were on the way to Hogwarts for the start of another term. All of a sudden, the train was being attacked by Death Eaters... they were after me. My friends and I pulled out our wands and began defensive spells against what the Death Eaters were trying to do to us.  Cody yelled for me to run because there was an opening for an escape. As I was running towards the door, Bellatrix appeared and blocked my way. I attacked her before she could attack me and the spell I cast left her lying still on the floor. I turned to my right and there was another Death Eater with a mask on. As I start to cast a spell, the Death Eater spoke up and told me to stop... it was Bubba's voice. He told me he used polyjuice potion to become one of them so he could help protect me from the rest of the Death Eaters. What a smart guy. As I hurried towards the escape door, I turned to look at what I was leaving behind: a train car full of my friends risking their lives to protect me. The battle was brutal.

2. I was out Christmas shopping with Cody, Ash, and Mom at a mall. We were in what seemed like Aeropostale when these two girls came in and started looking around. They seemed smitten with Cody. Go figure. They were kind of keeping their eye on him so I told him about it and dared him to go talk to them. And, of course, he did. After a few minutes, he came back over to me and brought the two girls along. One of them happened to be Sarah Palin's sixteen year old daughter, Willow. So, naturally, her and Cody started dating and over time, Sarah invited us to go to a beach house that they owned in Florida. We went and were sitting on the beach at night when I got Cody alone and we started talking. Here is our conversation:
Me: "Cody, this is awesome! I am so glad you are dating Willow."
Cody: "Yeah, I don't know if I want to anymore, though."
Me: "Why not? I love her!"
Cody: "She is getting kind of annoying."
Me: "Cody, don't break up with her yet! We could go to Alaska!!"
And that is all I cared about.

3. I started out sitting around a table outside of a cafe in the middle of a discussion with three other people. Though, I wasn't saying much, just observing really. These three men were talking about exorcisms and how each of them performed one. Two of the men had only subtle differences between their process. The third man didn't seem too confident in his process but he swore up and down that he could do it. Someone walking by stopped and turned towards him. In a scary, demonic voice the passerby challenged him to do it. On himself. Whoever this passerby was had been possessed. The third man agreed in a shaky voice to perform the exorcism. Somehow, I was volunteered to be in the room with the third man and the possessed man. We walked into an old building and down a dark stairway. As we walked into the poorly lit room, the third man locked the door behind us. The only light we had was from a single light bulb hanging down in the center of the cold, damp room. The third man and I stood near a wall opposing the possessed man. He had his Bible in hand and began shaking, as did I. The possessed man began to taunt us and call the third man names, telling him there was no way he would be able to make him come out of this man's body. The third man started his process but was getting nowhere. As he kept trying, the possessed man kept looking more and more like a demon. There really is no other way to describe it. It was scary. The third man pulled out a camera and told me he needed to take a picture of this for some reason. As he put the camera up to his right eye, he covered the left eye with his hand. I asked him why he was doing that, and he said "You'll see." I closed my eyes, scared for my life and opened them again when I heard the man beside me yell. I looked at his face and not only was his right eye blood red, but he had a long, red slash mark from the top center of his forehead down to his neck. He had been badly burned when he took that picture. I turned to look at the possessed man and saw bright red, glowing eyes looking directly at me, like he was trying to see in my soul.

I woke up after that last part and had to go sleep in my roommate's bed with her because I was that scared. It seemed so real.


I don't much feel like typing anymore dreams at the moment, so I will wait and tell you some more later on.

Hope you all are having a great December so far... Christmas is only 10 days away! :)

Table for One, Please.

Being single sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other.

Not that I don't talk about relationships with my friends because I do, but I don't think I have hardly ever talked with them about my actual singleness. So, this is kind of weird for me to just put out there on my blog, but I thought maybe someone else needs to hear what I have realized.

It's not that I wouldn't trust my friends with this conversation, it's just that most of them are at a different point in their life and therefore can not relate. God bless them for trying to relate and wanting me to seek that kind of happiness, but it is hard for them to understand exactly what I am going through. Most of them are in relationships that are just starting to get serious, are at the point of talking about marriage, or are already married. And I am not trying to belittle their relationships, I think it is wonderful that they are all so happy. God has really blessed them at this time in their lives and I am so incredibly happy for them.

For me, though, I am still in the growing and learning phase of my life. I have had a total of three very short term relationships. And when I say short term, I mean short term (one lasted 1 month; two lasted 3 months each). I am no guru when it comes to dating or relationships. However, I can give insight to the single life - more specifically, my single life - and how to find joy in it.

The hardest part about being single is the alone feeling that I get sometimes. It's not a constant thing, but when I am out with my coupled friends, I get that alone in the crowd feeling. I am the type of person that is content with having alone time, but when it happens a lot in a certain amount of time, it gets to be too much. That is when I have to surround myself with friends and it is all okay again. My friends really are my saving grace. They keep me in check with most areas of my life and I am very grateful for that.

The waiting is also hard. I like to think that I can be patient, but on December 26, it will have been four years since I ended my last relationship. That is a lot of waiting. But the waiting doesn't just consist of me sitting down and watching the world pass by me in a blur. I have had many opportunities for so many things that I probably wouldn't have gone through with if I was in a serious relationship. I don't think I would have been as adventurous at trying new things because I wouldn't have had as much time. Through these opportunities, I have learned so much about who I am and have gotten so comfortable in my own skin. I have thoroughly enjoyed exploring new areas of my life and finding my passions. I am, of course, still learning and growing, but I feel like I know what I want and what I won't settle for.

I have never been one to date just to be dating someone. I feel that letting someone get close enough to you that they know almost everything about you is an intimate and sacred thing. I can guard my heart with the best of them. Being alone for so long has made me a strong person when it comes to protecting myself. I believe this will pay off in the end because when the time does come for me to settle down with someone, they will get to experience a part of me that no one else has before.

Also, I am terrified of the commitment. In a world full of divorce being so easy to turn to and heartbreak being inevitable, commiting fully to someone is a scary thing. I have seen what divorce does first hand and it is not something I ever want to do, so you better believe that I will be very picky and cautious about who I let in. I have also seen heartbreak that has emotionally and physically brought down someone that I love. Trust me, without the Lord and the new friend He brought into her life at that time, she would not have gotten through it. Heartbreak like that can leave scars if it is not properly tended to and healed. That new friend not only became her shoulder to cry on and a source from which she heard God speak, but they are now dating. So I know that it's not the end of the world when heartbreak happens, but still... it is a scary possibility that I would rather not happen if I can help it.

I am not at all against getting to know someone and then deciding if there is potential there, but I am not seeking it. It will happen when it happens.  

For now, I am content with being single even though it does get hard. God is still working on me as a person and I want to be the best person I can for who He has for me. And in the tough times in which I feel the lonliness, I know He is right there with me wanting me to lean on Him, wanting me to tell Him exactly what I am feeling, and wanting me to let Him fill the emptiness that is there; He is always in pursuit of me, even when it feels like no one else is. In return, I know whoever it is that God has for me is being worked on as well. I have been praying for him for years and years and I know God is preparing him for me, which is no easy task. I can be quite complicated... it's something I am working on. ;)

In another aspect, God does place a calling for certain people to be single throughout their life. It's not in a way to make that person feel alone, but it is to be their ministry. He knows they can handle being single and that they can use it to win others for His Kingdom. But, if that desire for a spouse is in your heart, you are most likely not supposed to be single forever. The desire is there for a reason.

If you can take nothing else from this, please remember this: God has a purpose and plan for your singleness. It may seem like you will never find that one person who will complete you and that is because you are not supposed to; God is the only one who can complete the person that you are. Just seek after His heart fully and without ceasing because He is waiting to bless you with the most amazing person you never knew could exist. In the heart of God is where you will find "the one" waiting.